today i went to the dentist and found out that, even though my teeth appear to be healthy ("textbook!" said the nurse), beneath the surface many of them are full of deep cavities. it's been about two years since i went to the dentist and i figured that it would just be a routine cleaning. alas, alas. at first the nurse was jubilant about my beautiful teeth. but when she was cleaning there was this incredibly sensitive spot in the upper right of my mouth. when she took the x-rays it turns out that one tooth up there has got a cavity damn near the nerve and that in the rest of my back teeth there are a ton of other developing cavities between the teeth where they are readily seen (and where i rarely floss).
turns out i need about $6,000 worth of dental work. damn. a root canal, post, and crown in the real sensitive tooth and fillings in a bunch of other places. but it wasn't just the money or the prospect of having needles and drills stuck in my mouth. there was also a profoundly moral subtext to the entire visit.
when i was being complimented on my teeth i felt like my lifestyle was being affirmed. as if the health of my teeth was the symbol of the integrity of my character. when it was discovered that i had rampant tooth decay (oh, the words are even painful to write!) the whole mood of the visit changed. i felt ashamed. the doctor came in and gave me "the look" and told me how much it pained him to see perfect teeth like these shot through with cavities.
"what have you been doing in the past two years that could have done all this damage?" they asked, and i almost broke down and cried. the past two years? i've been struggling to survive and wondering if it wouldn't be better to die. that's what i thought to myself. but a dentist chair is not a therapist's couch. no, it's more like a confessor's booth. where i divulge my sins. "yes, it is true, i was (am?) a sugar addict."
"forgive me!" i wanted to shout. "have mercy!" i knew i had to have the surgeries, but must they be accompanied with all this guilt?
some context: the past two years have been difficult. i came out to my family. i dropped out of school. i was chronically unemployed. i was struggling through a hard relationship. i was depressed almost all the time. and then, there was the crushing loneliness.
i dealt with it all in really unhealthy ways, mostly through abusing/neglecting my body. i would not eat, or i would eat massive amounts of sugar. i wouldn't sleep and i'd let myself get dehydrated to the point of fainting. i wouldn't bathe or brush my teeth for days. i took out a mortgage on my health in order to pay the bills for my sanity, and now the debt has piled up.
i began trying to change my habits because of two little health crises. the first was when my entire back and my arms broke out in pimples. i figured my body was going crazy trying to get rid of all the toxins i was eating. after that i seriously began to cut back on sugar. then the second thing was a dehydration-enduced fever i got from cleaning all day at work at not taking water or food at all.
after these two miserable run ins, i tried to change my habits. and to my credit, i've kicked my sugar habit and i am drinking a lot more water regularly. i still don't eat as often as i should, but i'm working on that too.
anyhow, the question arises, in all of this, if this is all a matter of personal responsibility. i know that i have to change, for sure. it's my life, after all. but after my initial shame and sadness about it all, i got angry too. because i sacrificed my health in an effort to find some little bit of comfort from an incredibly lonely and rough set of circumstances. how we deal with stress is, in a number of ways, a personal responsibility. but the fact that we are faced with so much of it and that we are presented with such a limited range of choices is a social problem.
meanwhile candy companies and dentist-confessors get rich.
turns out i need about $6,000 worth of dental work. damn. a root canal, post, and crown in the real sensitive tooth and fillings in a bunch of other places. but it wasn't just the money or the prospect of having needles and drills stuck in my mouth. there was also a profoundly moral subtext to the entire visit.
when i was being complimented on my teeth i felt like my lifestyle was being affirmed. as if the health of my teeth was the symbol of the integrity of my character. when it was discovered that i had rampant tooth decay (oh, the words are even painful to write!) the whole mood of the visit changed. i felt ashamed. the doctor came in and gave me "the look" and told me how much it pained him to see perfect teeth like these shot through with cavities.
"what have you been doing in the past two years that could have done all this damage?" they asked, and i almost broke down and cried. the past two years? i've been struggling to survive and wondering if it wouldn't be better to die. that's what i thought to myself. but a dentist chair is not a therapist's couch. no, it's more like a confessor's booth. where i divulge my sins. "yes, it is true, i was (am?) a sugar addict."
"forgive me!" i wanted to shout. "have mercy!" i knew i had to have the surgeries, but must they be accompanied with all this guilt?
some context: the past two years have been difficult. i came out to my family. i dropped out of school. i was chronically unemployed. i was struggling through a hard relationship. i was depressed almost all the time. and then, there was the crushing loneliness.
i dealt with it all in really unhealthy ways, mostly through abusing/neglecting my body. i would not eat, or i would eat massive amounts of sugar. i wouldn't sleep and i'd let myself get dehydrated to the point of fainting. i wouldn't bathe or brush my teeth for days. i took out a mortgage on my health in order to pay the bills for my sanity, and now the debt has piled up.
i began trying to change my habits because of two little health crises. the first was when my entire back and my arms broke out in pimples. i figured my body was going crazy trying to get rid of all the toxins i was eating. after that i seriously began to cut back on sugar. then the second thing was a dehydration-enduced fever i got from cleaning all day at work at not taking water or food at all.
after these two miserable run ins, i tried to change my habits. and to my credit, i've kicked my sugar habit and i am drinking a lot more water regularly. i still don't eat as often as i should, but i'm working on that too.
anyhow, the question arises, in all of this, if this is all a matter of personal responsibility. i know that i have to change, for sure. it's my life, after all. but after my initial shame and sadness about it all, i got angry too. because i sacrificed my health in an effort to find some little bit of comfort from an incredibly lonely and rough set of circumstances. how we deal with stress is, in a number of ways, a personal responsibility. but the fact that we are faced with so much of it and that we are presented with such a limited range of choices is a social problem.
meanwhile candy companies and dentist-confessors get rich.
5 comments:
this is kind of what i was talking about a few emails ago...for me the shame can be crippling and the recognition that personal responsibility is what can "fix" the situation can be paralyzing (i.e. "i have the power to do it, so what's my fucking problem")...i just think its important to remember that there's a lot going on...my awareness of even my own behavior is limited...while i do have the capacity to change it, there are more factors than simply my will acting...and i think "addictions" or something we could call "unhealthy behaviors/fixes" are, in part, creative solutions to getting needs met...(mortgaging one's health...)...so for me...compassion and credit have to be valid precursors to my uptaking "personal responsibility"...and i don't even like that phrase because it presupposes that i was bad/wrong/etc....cause I'm judging my past self with awareness i have in the present moment that i didn't have in the past moment (that's not to say i didn't know something was unhealthy while i was doing it but maybe i couldn't conceive of other possible options, etc...)...the self judgment and blame is unnecessary.
my friend says "you're gonna keep doing what you're doing till you can't do it anymore." TRUUUUE. That helps me remember its not wrong to have been DOING it...and the moment when you change it is RIGHT cause you have the tools to do it (you always have the capacity but not always the power in that moment)...ok im babbling but last dumb analogy and this also a friend gave me - she was saying when you look at a tree branch...it grows towards something until it has to change directions and then it changes directions but it doesn't go "oh you piece of shit you shouldn't have been growing that direction in the first place, you were doing it wrong"...this is all a sloppy way of saying you didn't do anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of.
-Elizabeth
btw in case it wasn't obvious...this is just my current 2 cents on the feeling of shame and personal responsibility and what makes sense for me...ignore it entirely if its not resonating for you...
xoxo
elizabeth
oh, no worries. i agree that compassion and credit are SOOOO necessary. the tyranny of the myth of the will is terrible.
the only reason for the long response time has been crazy sleepless nights.
things are-a-changin. new winds-a-blowin. more soon....
as soon as i saw the title i thought, not you too! or did i think, at least i'm not alone? oh dear.
i went to the dentist two weeks ago and found out that the baby teeth i still have (the teeth i am most proud of, for making it through for so long) are decaying. after all this time, i thought i'd have them forever. they still look great from the outside, but inside there's trouble.
oh, and my new dentist is also a magician. (not a joke).
Indulging on chocolates, candies and the like isn't wrong as long as you don't neglect basic oral hygiene and regular dentist checkups. When it comes to dental health, prevention is always better than cure. That's what I always say to my kids.
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