gaslighting: to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity; to subtly drive someone crazy.
the term 'gaslighting'
gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of power. it is used to silence and to discredit the experiences of others so that nothing need change in the real nature of the relationship. it is a refusal to be held accountable to how a one person's behavior affects others.
gaslighting requires either the participation or the complicit silence of large groups of people. this is because a single denial of someone else's experience of reality can only make them feel crazy if other people who they depend on participate in this denial or add to the victim's sense of isolation by maintaining silence. not only one, but many others need to contest or ignore the person's understanding of everyday experiences.
a shop clerk follows me around the store, re-arranging items on the shelves and watching my every move. i tell an acquaintance that this was racist. i am told that i am being paranoid, that i am being oversensitive, since there's nothing to prove that the clerk was responding to my appearance. whether or not this is true, the important thing is that my perception of racism is completely denied. no account is made of why it is that i've come to this conclusion or what life experiences of mine and of others have developed this point of view.
a "friend" asks me what kind of statement i'm trying to make by not combing my hair or shaving. i defensively ask why i can't simply not want to comb or shave. i am told that i am overly hostile, that it is a "harmless question" with no intention of telling me how i should relate to my own body. of course, later on i am told that i would be beautiful if i cut my hair. this is not the first or the only time this conversation has gone just this way, yet when i point out that these questions are actually acts designed to police my appearance, i am told that i am "imagining things", that no one is trying to exercise power over me, that i am "crazy".
the point (whether or not the gaslighting is intentional) is that the victim begins to seriously question her/his own everyday perceptions and feelings about important events. it becomes particularly sinister in intimate relations of abuse. "was it actually rape or am i being dramatic?" "did he actually abuse me?"
these are not the questions of a critical consciousness, they are questions that unhinge independent consciousness. for when we begin to question our own ability to come to conclusions about reality, then we must rely on someone else's interpretation and we must silence the questions that our own experience raises. most often this takes the form of distrusting our own emotions, of treating them as if they are wildly unreasonable responses to what we are going through because others say that what is happening to us is not cause for an emotional response.
shall we consider it a coincidence that the person who is gaslighting also stands to benefit from erasing the uneasy reality of emotions, from having the world interpreted from his/her perspective? i think not.
Gustavo Gutiérrez writes that the memory of the poor is subversive because "it lends force and sustenance to our positions, refuses to compromise or equivocate, learns from failures, and knows (by experience) that it has the capability of overcoming every obstacle, even repression itself" ("Avoiding Historical Amnesia" in Gutiérrez: The Essential Writings). in this same sense, perception is also subversive, since it helps us to establish a sense of self. i believe, having our own perceptions of reality, our own points of reference, is a prerequisite to being subjects in our own lives and in history.
we know about the political importance of looking at society from the perspective of the oppressed, but i think that we often fail to recognize the ways that denial of experience in our everyday relationships is also often a matter of power and politics, a way that the experiences of certain groups (in my experience women and queer folks) are buried and silenced in so many individuals so that those who benefit from the do not have to face the reality of their unjust treatment of others.
time and again i've found myself thinking that i'm crazy because everyone around me is telling me that i'm being unreasonable, that i'm overreacting, or they are simply silent when the situation calls for outrage. it's at times like these that friends are most important. because through witnessing, through affirming one another's experiences (though not always one another's interpretations) of reality, we help sustain the identity, memory, and insight that is the root of radical social action.
the term 'gaslighting'
was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door, and is searching for jewels he believes to be hidden there. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected. (wikipedia)to gaslight someone means to deny some fudamental perception of reality that they have in such a way that the person begins to question their ability to grasp reality. this is no mere difference of interpretation. two people could disagree and deny each other's interpretations of an event without gaslighting one another. but things get twisted when someone begins undermining the other person's confidence in their capacity to come to conclusions about reality.
gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of power. it is used to silence and to discredit the experiences of others so that nothing need change in the real nature of the relationship. it is a refusal to be held accountable to how a one person's behavior affects others.
gaslighting requires either the participation or the complicit silence of large groups of people. this is because a single denial of someone else's experience of reality can only make them feel crazy if other people who they depend on participate in this denial or add to the victim's sense of isolation by maintaining silence. not only one, but many others need to contest or ignore the person's understanding of everyday experiences.
a shop clerk follows me around the store, re-arranging items on the shelves and watching my every move. i tell an acquaintance that this was racist. i am told that i am being paranoid, that i am being oversensitive, since there's nothing to prove that the clerk was responding to my appearance. whether or not this is true, the important thing is that my perception of racism is completely denied. no account is made of why it is that i've come to this conclusion or what life experiences of mine and of others have developed this point of view.
a "friend" asks me what kind of statement i'm trying to make by not combing my hair or shaving. i defensively ask why i can't simply not want to comb or shave. i am told that i am overly hostile, that it is a "harmless question" with no intention of telling me how i should relate to my own body. of course, later on i am told that i would be beautiful if i cut my hair. this is not the first or the only time this conversation has gone just this way, yet when i point out that these questions are actually acts designed to police my appearance, i am told that i am "imagining things", that no one is trying to exercise power over me, that i am "crazy".
the point (whether or not the gaslighting is intentional) is that the victim begins to seriously question her/his own everyday perceptions and feelings about important events. it becomes particularly sinister in intimate relations of abuse. "was it actually rape or am i being dramatic?" "did he actually abuse me?"
these are not the questions of a critical consciousness, they are questions that unhinge independent consciousness. for when we begin to question our own ability to come to conclusions about reality, then we must rely on someone else's interpretation and we must silence the questions that our own experience raises. most often this takes the form of distrusting our own emotions, of treating them as if they are wildly unreasonable responses to what we are going through because others say that what is happening to us is not cause for an emotional response.
shall we consider it a coincidence that the person who is gaslighting also stands to benefit from erasing the uneasy reality of emotions, from having the world interpreted from his/her perspective? i think not.
Gustavo Gutiérrez writes that the memory of the poor is subversive because "it lends force and sustenance to our positions, refuses to compromise or equivocate, learns from failures, and knows (by experience) that it has the capability of overcoming every obstacle, even repression itself" ("Avoiding Historical Amnesia" in Gutiérrez: The Essential Writings). in this same sense, perception is also subversive, since it helps us to establish a sense of self. i believe, having our own perceptions of reality, our own points of reference, is a prerequisite to being subjects in our own lives and in history.
we know about the political importance of looking at society from the perspective of the oppressed, but i think that we often fail to recognize the ways that denial of experience in our everyday relationships is also often a matter of power and politics, a way that the experiences of certain groups (in my experience women and queer folks) are buried and silenced in so many individuals so that those who benefit from the do not have to face the reality of their unjust treatment of others.
time and again i've found myself thinking that i'm crazy because everyone around me is telling me that i'm being unreasonable, that i'm overreacting, or they are simply silent when the situation calls for outrage. it's at times like these that friends are most important. because through witnessing, through affirming one another's experiences (though not always one another's interpretations) of reality, we help sustain the identity, memory, and insight that is the root of radical social action.
3 comments:
piercing insightwork, dolo. a clarifying concept.
glad you think so. i was worried it might come out incoherent as i wrote the post at 7am.
we'll see where it goes from here...
well shit. that was one of the better descriptions of how i was parented...sans the coerced isolation that helped facilitate all that.
imma read that again later this morning.
xo
elizabeth
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