The International Conspiracy of Haters

ever been having a really good time and out of nowhere an ex-lover calls and stirs up shitty feelings? ever been getting into a good groove in life and then on your way to the grocery store you run into an old friend who betrayed you? ever felt that this was no coincidence? that whenever you are beginning to really feel good some ghost of the past tries to drag you back into despair? well, i'm here to tell you that it is no accident. there is a conspiracy, an International Conspiracy of Haters (ICH)!

deep beneath the pentagon in washington DC is a headquaters--a nerve center, if you will--where ex-lovers, Henry Louis Gates, bigots, nay-sayers, bosses, pharisees, and (of course) Bill Cosby keep tabs on what we are up to. they rely on the ex-lovers to plant a heart-rate device in your chest. usually they do it by placing the microscopic technology in their mouths and then kissing you. then, from the nerve center they monitor your serotonin levels and heart rate. when you seem to be happy an alarm goes off.

BRIIINNNGGGG! WHHOOOOOO! RRRRRAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGG!

"Quick" says Condoleesa, "we need an ex-lover at Park & 23rd St in NYC. Subject 667 is escaping her depression!"

"Dispatching an ex-lover and a childhood enemy immediately," says the 4th grade english teacher who told you your poetry was bad. "We're also re-routing the public transportation system so that she misses the date with her best friend. We'll say it's a mechanical problem."

"Be sure to close her favorite restaurant and kill the phone lines so she has no way to cope," says the ICH agent who hit you with the shopping cart in the checkout line and pretended that she hadn't done it. "Last time when we scheduled that marathon to keep her out of the park she ended up having a empowering conversation with her grandmother instead. We can't afford mistakes like that people!" Alvaro Uribe and Orville Redenbacher nod in agreement while they smoke cigars (this pairing may seem strange, but consider the fact that the popcorn magnate was a ruling member of the ConAgra Foods global empire, with plantations throughout Latin America. In addition, he engineered his popcorn husks to lodge themselves in your gums.)

from their den of wickedness they intercept your phone calls to the customer service center so that they can fuck with your phone bill. they pop buttons off your favorite shirts while you're sleeping. they create localized earthquakes so that you spill spaghetti sauce on your white pants. they're the ones who turned off your alarm clock the day you were supposed to get up early and finish your paper for school or study for that test. (in fact they are the ones who kept you up all night by insitgating the drunken party next door). they invented lawn ornaments and MLA citation. bad luck? i think not! it's the ICH always at work trying to hold you down. how else do you explain the proliferation of artifical plants and flowers?

well my fellow sufferers, it's time to fight back! i've been tracking the sinister agenda of this clandestine organization for years now and i've developed a plan of action. to begin with you've got to get schizo when they deploy well-planned txt msgs from haters you once loved. reply only in surrealist imagery. if the ICH causes you to miss your plane flight, be sure to email a love letter to the person you were too afraid to tell how you felt. we've also got to think strategically. defeating Felipe Calderón in Mexico is essential to derailing the ICH plan to close off all possibilities of a meeting between you and your Chiapan soul mate, not to mention their attempts to frustrate all forms of authentic love.

don't drink bottled water! it's not really from a spring, it's from the Great Lakes (public property) and they add chemicals to it that cause existential angst. whenever you are afraid of telling the truth about your feelings, fight the power! fear is a subliminal reaction to nanotechnology devices that the ICH has put into most of the things and people that you most need to open up to (as well as green vegetables). it works like those sound devices that emit high frequency noises that keep away rodents (or like a dog whistle).

try not to take the same routes to work, school, or home. switch it up here and there. take a ride to somewhere you have no reason going and think about your life in uncommon places. the ICH is less likey to have planted agents there. blame everything on your period (men, don't forget to "accidentally" drop your tampon on the way to the bathroom as you pass your manager). subject disney movies to serious materialist analysis.

talk kindly to as many strangers as possible. many naive ICH operatives posing as "strangers" in your life joined the force because they were embittered by life (probably by previous ICH agents). but you can sometimes win them over when you spontaneously give them a flower (real flowers only, which you should purchase or pick periodically to surprise someone who isn't your lover. to surprise your lover, lick them behind the ear in public).

whatever you do DO NOT DESPAIR! outside the confines of the way of life you have been made accustomed to are the untested possibilities of an unfinished world. the world is neither good nor evil, it is Marvelous. how you live in it is of the utmost importance in how you perceive it. this doesn't mean you shouldn't cry or get angry. in fact, make sure that you honetly live your emotions. but don't waste the experience! as Audre Lorde said, one should never waste anything, especially pain.

say something blasphemous so that only those who love God will laugh with you. scandalize the pharisees! speak in spanish when you answer questions in class and at the drive thru window at the bank. be a race traitor without abandoning the fight for liberation. draw maps of the US where the Southeast is its own territory and the Southwest is either part of Mexico or completely independent. lie about where you are from.

above all engage in homoerotic displays of affection.
sodomía o muerte!
venceremos!

war on the ruling class & Oprah Winfrey!
denounce the middle-class collaborators!
forward with handicap accessible buildings!
down with the International Conspiracy of Haters!

over and out.
don petro de vagabundencia
(try finding that on a map Bill O'Reilly, cuz that's where the reconquista is coming from)