been awhile since i last posted. lots goin on in the life. let me start getting back in the habit of writing by talking about the event that inaugerated the 22nd year of my life...
on the eve of my birthday (jan 27th), i found myself discussing dialectics and kissing. after years of fantasizing about it i finally had an intimate encounter where i felt free to fully be myself. i'm sure plenty of people would think it's lame to talk about praxis and the division of labor between affections, but it was the best experience of my sexual life. instead of feeling pent up because i'm unable to express myself, i was free to talk and to express myself physically. the subjects of discussion ranged from homosexual identity to gentrification and the physical was just as versatile (hehe). for once i didn't feel any shame about my body, my insecurities, or my passions. they all blended together seamlessly. we kissed, giggled like kids, talked, and said "i love you" hungrily.
all of this happened with my friend Sean. we've been really close for about three years now, but since he's been living in Hawai'i until recently and because i moved away from nyc before he moved into the city, most of our relatinship has developed over the phone or email. strange, huh? over the phone we helped each other come out to our families and get over shitty relationships. and in the few times when we were physically together we played like teenagers. it was only after years of this kind of interaction that sexuality made its way into our relationship.
and it seems it was better that way. by the time we were in bed watching Chocolat it didn't matter that i fell asleep and drooled on him. we knew one another pretty well and trusted each other.
the other side of all of this was the masturbatory rigor (Adam Israel, Dorm Dialogues 2005) i've been practicing with great discipline for the past year or so. laugh if you want to but there's a difference between jacking off and exploring yourself. learning more about our bodies and what they want and can do takes time and attention...and dildos.
i remember my first year at hunter college when i went to see The Vagina Monologues. call me strange, but the part about women discovering their clitoris in workshops got me all excited. why shouldn't men get to know their prostate in some similar way? it was a year or so later, but i finally got down to the business of learning about orgasms, qi flow, and that pleasurable little gland that makes men shiver. i won't inundate you with descriptions, just read The Multi-Orgasmic Male. cheesy title, somewhat corny language, great techniques.
[now, usually when people talk about sexual techniques it's done in a way that makes the person speaking look like they're sex gods. but when i'm talking about technique, i just mean figuring out ways to explore our bodies and to do so on levels beyond our habits and particularly beyond the sex roles we've been taught on tv and in bad relationships.]
anyhow, i've spent the last year really learning about myself. and while all this was happening i was reading lesbian/feminist and gay liberation literature on liberation from sexual oppression. so when i finally found myself with someone i was comfortable with, there was a whole range of feelings that i had never experienced before, or had never had at that level of intensity.
theory and practice. quantity into quality. hahaha
on the eve of my birthday (jan 27th), i found myself discussing dialectics and kissing. after years of fantasizing about it i finally had an intimate encounter where i felt free to fully be myself. i'm sure plenty of people would think it's lame to talk about praxis and the division of labor between affections, but it was the best experience of my sexual life. instead of feeling pent up because i'm unable to express myself, i was free to talk and to express myself physically. the subjects of discussion ranged from homosexual identity to gentrification and the physical was just as versatile (hehe). for once i didn't feel any shame about my body, my insecurities, or my passions. they all blended together seamlessly. we kissed, giggled like kids, talked, and said "i love you" hungrily.
all of this happened with my friend Sean. we've been really close for about three years now, but since he's been living in Hawai'i until recently and because i moved away from nyc before he moved into the city, most of our relatinship has developed over the phone or email. strange, huh? over the phone we helped each other come out to our families and get over shitty relationships. and in the few times when we were physically together we played like teenagers. it was only after years of this kind of interaction that sexuality made its way into our relationship.
and it seems it was better that way. by the time we were in bed watching Chocolat it didn't matter that i fell asleep and drooled on him. we knew one another pretty well and trusted each other.
the other side of all of this was the masturbatory rigor (Adam Israel, Dorm Dialogues 2005) i've been practicing with great discipline for the past year or so. laugh if you want to but there's a difference between jacking off and exploring yourself. learning more about our bodies and what they want and can do takes time and attention...and dildos.
i remember my first year at hunter college when i went to see The Vagina Monologues. call me strange, but the part about women discovering their clitoris in workshops got me all excited. why shouldn't men get to know their prostate in some similar way? it was a year or so later, but i finally got down to the business of learning about orgasms, qi flow, and that pleasurable little gland that makes men shiver. i won't inundate you with descriptions, just read The Multi-Orgasmic Male. cheesy title, somewhat corny language, great techniques.
[now, usually when people talk about sexual techniques it's done in a way that makes the person speaking look like they're sex gods. but when i'm talking about technique, i just mean figuring out ways to explore our bodies and to do so on levels beyond our habits and particularly beyond the sex roles we've been taught on tv and in bad relationships.]
anyhow, i've spent the last year really learning about myself. and while all this was happening i was reading lesbian/feminist and gay liberation literature on liberation from sexual oppression. so when i finally found myself with someone i was comfortable with, there was a whole range of feelings that i had never experienced before, or had never had at that level of intensity.
theory and practice. quantity into quality. hahaha
4 comments:
you are so cute!! I love your honesty in this post...:)
Happy Belated Day, hunnie
Happy belated bday!
And so happy about this post. I think you know some of my thoughts on these subjects...so it's great to hear you. I esp. like the distinction at the end between self exploration and masturbation. I got lots more thoughts on that too....
:)
Elizabeth
it makes me smile to read this post. and is inspiring too...
thanx for the bday wishes y'all. LUV YA!
but "shayir," i don't think i know who you are. not that i MUST know, but it might inflate my ego if i found out that people i've never met are reading my blog. it might turn me into an exhibitionist. hahaha. i'll leave my fate in your hands.
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